If you are grieving, you may have heard about the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Many people find comfort in the idea that grief has a map. Many others find themselves quietly worried that they are doing it wrong, because their grief does not look like the map at all.
Maybe you felt acceptance first and anger months later. Maybe you have felt all five in one afternoon, or none of them in the way they are described. Maybe your grief is about a death, or about another kind of loss: your health, a relationship, a home, a future you had counted on.
Whatever your grief looks like, there is no required order. This article explains where the stage idea came from, what researchers have learned since, and how to care for yourself and recognize when grief may need extra support.
Where the stages came from
The five stages come from psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, whose 1969 book described the experiences of people facing their own deaths. The idea spread quickly and was soon applied to people grieving the death of someone they loved.
In 2017, grief researchers Margaret Stroebe, Henk Schut and Kathrin Boerner reviewed the evidence and urged health professionals to move beyond the stage model. They noted that it grew out of informal observation rather than systematic research, that later studies found little support for grief unfolding in a fixed sequence, and that the model could cause harm: people who did not move through the stages in order sometimes believed they were grieving incorrectly.
The feelings the stages describe are real. Denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance can all be part of grief. What the research does not support is the idea that they arrive in order, that everyone feels all of them, or that you are finished once you reach the last one.
What grief often looks like instead
Many people describe grief as coming in waves. Some days are almost ordinary. Then a song in a grocery store, a familiar handwriting or a date on the calendar brings the loss back with full force. Over time the waves often come less often and with more space between them, and they can still arrive years later.
Grief also lives in the body. Common experiences include:
- Deep tiredness, even after sleep
- Changes in appetite and sleep
- Trouble concentrating, forgetting things or losing track of time
- A heavy or hollow feeling in the chest or stomach
- Getting sick more easily
Grief can hold feelings that seem to contradict each other: sorrow and relief after a long illness, love and anger, guilt and gratitude. You may find yourself laughing at a memory in the middle of a hard week. None of this means you loved the person less.
Moving back and forth
One of the models researchers now prefer is the dual process model, developed by Stroebe and Schut. It suggests that healthy grieving involves moving back and forth between two kinds of activity. Sometimes you turn toward the loss: you cry, remember, look at photos and feel the absence. Other times you turn toward life: you handle new tasks, learn new roles and take breaks from grief altogether.
Both directions are part of grieving well. Time away from grief is not avoidance or forgetting, and time spent in grief is not being stuck. The movement between them is what helps people carry a loss over time.
Time away from grief is not avoidance or forgetting, and time spent in grief is not being stuck.
Molly Hinke-DeWild, LISW
The bond does not have to end
Older ideas about grief suggested the goal was to let go and move on. Many people find that a better description is that the relationship changes form. You might talk to the person who died, carry on a tradition they loved, wear something of theirs, or ask yourself what they would say. These continuing bonds are common and, for many people, deeply comforting.
For some, this sense of connection also reaches toward something larger: a faith, nature, a community that remembers together, or a sense of meaning in the life that was lived. At IFH, we think of this as part of the spiritual side of health, and each person gets to define it in their own way.
Caring for yourself while you grieve
There is no way to rush grief, and there are ways to make it a little less lonely and a little more bearable. You might try a few of these:
Plan for the hard days
Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays often hit hardest, and the days before can be harder than the day itself. Deciding ahead of time how you want to spend them, and with whom, can give you some steadiness. A small ritual, such as lighting a candle, visiting a place or cooking a favorite meal, can give the day a shape.
Tell people what helps
Friends often want to help and do not know how. Many grieving people are grateful when others say the name of the person who died. If that is true for you, you might tell people directly: “It helps me when you talk about her.” You are allowed to tell people what does not help, too.
Find people who understand this loss
Friends and family matter, and sometimes it helps to be with people who have lived through a similar loss. Many hospices, hospitals and community organizations host grief support groups, and many are open to anyone in the community. Hearing others describe the same waves, the same strange tiredness and the same mixed feelings can ease the worry that something is wrong with you. You can listen for as long as you need before you speak.
Keep a gentle floor under your body
Grief is exhausting. Rather than aiming for your usual routine, you might aim for a low, steady floor: something to eat at regular times, a few minutes outside each day, and a regular time to get up. These small anchors give a body under strain something to hold on to.
Wait on big decisions if you can
Grief can make it hard to think clearly. When possible, many people find it wise to wait before making major decisions such as selling a home or making large financial changes, or to make them with the help of someone they trust.
When grief may need extra support
Grief is not a disorder, and most people find their way through it with time and the support of others. For some people, though, grief stays intense and keeps them from living their lives for a long time. Mental health professionals call this prolonged grief disorder.
According to the American Psychiatric Association, it may be considered when, at least a year after a loss for adults (six months for children and teens), a person has intense grief nearly every day that interferes with daily life. Signs can include feeling as though part of yourself has died, disbelief about the death, avoiding reminders, intense emotional pain, difficulty returning to everyday activities, numbness, feeling that life is meaningless, and intense loneliness.
You do not have to wait a year, or meet any definition, to ask for help. It is reasonable to reach out at any point if grief is making it hard to work, care for yourself or connect with others, or if you notice yourself leaning on alcohol or other substances to get through. If you have thoughts of wanting to die or to join the person you lost, please reach out right away: call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 in an emergency.
How IFH can help
Therapy can be a place where your grief does not have to be tidy or on schedule. Molly offers a steady space to talk about the person or the life you have lost, to make sense of complicated feelings, and to find ways to carry the loss alongside a life that continues. Therapy is available to people located in Iowa, in person in Bettendorf or by telehealth. You can learn more on the therapy page.
For the heaviest days, Molly’s free guide, When It Feels Like Too Much, offers gentle, practical steps for moments when everything feels like too much.
